Zdzisław Beksiński (24 February 1929 – 21 February 2005) was a renowned Polish painter, photographer, and sculptor who is best known as a fantasy artist. Beksiński executed his paintings and drawings either in what he called a ‘Baroque’ or a ‘Gothic’ manner. The first style is dominated by representation, with the best-known examples coming from his ‘fantastic realism’ period when he painted disturbing images of a surrealistic, nightmarish environment. The second style is more abstract, being dominated by form, and is typified by Beksiński’s later paintings. Beksiński was murdered in 2005.
Many of my recent posts have dealt with a relationship I am in….To say that it’s a bit complicated, would be an accurate portrayal…I’m 30 and she’s 22.
And with a age gap comes a great deal of difficulties…Being 30, I can’t help the natural inclination to mature and be content with just her. With her at 22 and embarking on her career path - she’s graduating (officially next December), but for all intensive purposes she’s outa here at the end of June. Combine that with the fact she’s a professional model and works as a Bacardi girl in bars, she leads a very social life and constantly has guys throwing themselves at her. Naturally, this does not sit well with me. But my past experiences has me thinking that it amplifies my issues.
To give you some more information, my family life has been very inconsistent. Nobody, not my mom, dad, brothers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, nobody has stayed a consistent influence throughout my life. Many have chosen to leave my life through dramatic scenes for apparently no reason whatsoever. Growing up, I tended to blame myself for this. I’m not special enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not funny enough, I’m not whatever enough.
She constantly says I have nothing to worry about, but she texts less often, doesn’t seem to be that interested in seeing me as much. She never rushes to see me. But when she does see me its “I can see myself marrying you Seth. We would make beautiful babies. I want to live with you forever.” All that talk gets me hooked on her, but her acts distant.
We’ve only been dating for a few months and maybe we’re not where I want us to be….Maybe we haven’t had enough time yet to get there, but I’m not a patient person. I don’t like waiting in line to jump into the pool. I’d rather get a running start and go right in…
The track our relationship has taken recently has me thinking about how I need to be treated so that I know I’m loved. I want a text in the morning saying how much I was missed the night before. I want an invitation to lunch. I want a consistent text just saying “I Love you.” She says that all that is given and she doesn’t feel like she has to send it, but I need to hear those things. I know girls love a man with confidence, but it’s not necessarily my fault I’m insecure about myself. Everyone I have ever loved in my life has turned their back on me, some for a decade or more. When your mom tells you personally she wishes you were never born, walks away and that’s the last you hear from her for 12 years…it ingrains a worthless feeling that still lives inside me today.
I can’t help feeling this insecure feeling about myself. I do love this woman I’m with…I’m just not sure she’s right for me at this point in my life…I’ve never been with someone who’s makes me feel the way she does…when she kisses me or even just cuddles up next to me, the pit of my stomach becomes light as a feather and my heart feels like its about to jump out of my chest. When she runs her fingers down my chest or my side, shooting sensations shoot down my spine all the way to my toes…
What am I going to do? What should I do? I’m so confused…ecstatic when she’s around; paranoid she’s gonna leave me when she’s not…why am I so fucked up?
I feel like I’m doomed to screw every relationship up because of this…
Confused in Athens.
Just got into my committee… Sitting with peeps who attend Harvard, Stanford, Emery Riddle, and a bunch of other highly academic schools… Feeling a bit overmatched…
Opening ceremonies were short and sweet - just how I like it…. Bout to hop into crisis committee and I’ve had 5 rum an cokes…. This should be fun!
Some may disapprove of m alcohol intake, but it makes me playful and helps me not stutter… So go fuck yourself if you object.. Lol
Last night I dreamt that my mother died and I could not control myself from crying so hard that I collapse….
I thought it was good, but now I’m not so sure….
